In the past 18 years, these are the things I’ve learned, and these are the changes that are taking place now.
I’ve learned to fight like hell for what I know to be right. I’ve learned that people aren’t going to respect you for who you are if that’s different from what they think of as ‘normal’. I’ve learned that being natural and preserving primality is frowned upon here. I’ve learned that, if one wants to stay true to what they know is right, they will sometimes have to forsake the truth in other areas of life, or at least the addition of some of that truth. I’ve learned that, in some cases, fighting for what you know is right requires, no, demands, a focused intensity like the kind anger brings, but without the associated festering and explosions. I’ve learned that every day of my life is a war between me and the rest of this godforsaken world, if only because of the fact that they hate everything I strive to protect. I am, by no means, my experiences, but that does not mean they matter any less to me. I learned that around this time last year.
I, like many of us, identified with my experiences to the point that they almost consumed me for 17 years of this life. During the time that “Shifting Focus” was written, I was one of the first to take interest in the concept discussed at the end of that post, and one of the last to finally understand it emotionally. Now that I do get it, though, I make use of it often, particularly where primality is concerned. I’m changing, slowly but surely, and finding that, as time goes on, some of the things I’ve learned don’t feel as true as they used to. While I can hardly put any of the things I’ve experienced into words at the moment, when the time comes, I plan to write an article detailing what my own process of learning that I am not my experiences was like. These are some of my attempts at writing out the basic ideas behind my next post here, in no particular order.
Since I am not my experiences, a lack of the feeling of revulsion toward man-made things does not mean I myself am going to vanish. Since I am not my experiences, I can rebuild that feeling, based on my values and my newfound centeredness within the storm that my emotions would be in the case of such rebuilding needing to take place. Since I am not my experiences, the outside changes that affect them will not change who I am and who I know myself to be unless I identify with those effects and let them define me. Since primality is an inner state of being, and is the one closest to who I am as a person, I can use this centeredness to defend it and all it represents in the places where pure rage used to take hold. Where I was once scrambling to fight for everything I was, I can now do that from a place of love, with confidence that my intentions will be actualized.
The story of how I learned the things in the first part of this article can be found here. As for how I’ve learned what I’ve just written, that story will be told…in time. This is where I was, and where I am now.
Thank you for reading.